self esteem free-fall: professionalism & the executive actor
Sitting in the void. Willing, ready & (avail)able. You're networked out. The drip, drip replenishment of your reseves of self-confidence have been purged once more in an instant as some 'administrator' blythely dismisses your work and pulls the plug.
Your only choice is in the color of smoke you want trailing from your self-esteem as it plumets in abject free-fall into the abyss. Even now you attempt to make a unique spiral of your destruction; to create a final signature move. No-one notices.
There has to come a time when you think 'why the hell am I doing this?'
When you set out you seemed so sure. You had clarity of purpose and the energy to drive it forward. You would give 200%, put your talent out there and seize the success that is rightfully yours. But what was that purpose? How clearly did you work it out? How would you know when you had achieved 'success'?
I have somewhat lost the plot. This is particularly careless as I don't have many plots to lose, none having been sent my way recently. It has been six months since my last paid acting job - a small national tour (understudying). Excellent company. Never got my chance to go on. Since then I have done a couple of short films and a fringe play.
The films were short & fun if of dubious quality.
The play was tortuous as we weren't able to allocate sufficient time to rehearsal. The limited time was due the the cliched compromises of fringe theatre. Primarily being unable to commit 'money job' time to your art.
It involved a huge learn on the part of my co-performer & the delivery of a big accent change on my part.
Consequently, rehearsals were hampered by my accentual paranoia and stubborn labial musculature and by the fact that they became line learning sessions. We opened and were pretty rubbish until the last couple of performances when I feel we started to do the play justice. Everyone told me I was excellent afterwards. I wanted to believe them and actually allowed myself to do so during the last-night LoveIn but you can sculpt a turd any way you like - it still smells.
The fact is that I was producing more professional results as an amateur. Since going 'professional' I have found myself compromising more & more artistically.
So, now I am questioning why I ever went professional in the first place. I suspect it may be because I was/am confusing the term professional with the term full-time.
Am I working towards a justification of giving up the battle? Perhaps.
Acting is a project based world. As free-lancers we go from job to job building a network of contacts and repeat business. Full-time implies a surplus of available work where you can pick & choose between projects. That is patently nonsense. Actors are vastly more numerous than the parts available for them to play. So the reality of an acting career is extended periods of unemployment - for everyone.
There is no such thing as an acting career ladder.
The notion of a career ladder implies that there is a structure against which the ladder can be placed and that said structure is sufficiently stable to support ones ascent. The ladder itself also acts as an implicit guide to progress. You always know which way is up.
The mythical acting 'career' is just that, a myth. Take any successful career at its inception and it would have been impossible to detail exactly how they would achieve their success. It may have been possible to guess who is most likely to succeed but certainly not how. The successful actor's career only becomes apparent towards its end when the path taken through the opportunities and pitfalls becomes clear. Just by sticking around you do not automatically become endowed Executive in charge of acting.
An acting career consists of a series of random connections and opportunities. Those who succeed maintain themselves in a state of alertness and preparation to take advantage of these opportunities as they arise. They keep their skills sharp and their baggage light.
'The readiness is all'...
I have reached an impasse where my baggage is too heavy. I have lost my artistic way and my psychology is a mess. My debts are suffocating. My self-esteem is as low as I can ever remember - and believe me it's been low. I am creatively stunted. I feel that I have reached then end of the line and it's a frightening place to be as my options seem to be vanishingly small. I can neither retrest nor move forward.
I am mentally, physically, emotionally & spritually exhausted. I feel as though I've been holding my breath for the past ten years. Treating the race as the sprint I wanted it to be rather than the marathon it inevitably turned out to be.
Time to rest& recuperate I think. I know, I'll take 6 months out to re-group. I'll get a full time job. Regain some self-respect. Pay off my debts. Re-think where I want to be articstically. Why do I really want to be an actor?
But I know myself. My agent will finally call - "great part, top casting director, good contacts, oh & nudity required...".
Grab the self respect. Deep breath. 1000...2000...3000...Pull!!
- sisyphus 2005
Your only choice is in the color of smoke you want trailing from your self-esteem as it plumets in abject free-fall into the abyss. Even now you attempt to make a unique spiral of your destruction; to create a final signature move. No-one notices.
There has to come a time when you think 'why the hell am I doing this?'
When you set out you seemed so sure. You had clarity of purpose and the energy to drive it forward. You would give 200%, put your talent out there and seize the success that is rightfully yours. But what was that purpose? How clearly did you work it out? How would you know when you had achieved 'success'?
I have somewhat lost the plot. This is particularly careless as I don't have many plots to lose, none having been sent my way recently. It has been six months since my last paid acting job - a small national tour (understudying). Excellent company. Never got my chance to go on. Since then I have done a couple of short films and a fringe play.
The films were short & fun if of dubious quality.
The play was tortuous as we weren't able to allocate sufficient time to rehearsal. The limited time was due the the cliched compromises of fringe theatre. Primarily being unable to commit 'money job' time to your art.
It involved a huge learn on the part of my co-performer & the delivery of a big accent change on my part.
Consequently, rehearsals were hampered by my accentual paranoia and stubborn labial musculature and by the fact that they became line learning sessions. We opened and were pretty rubbish until the last couple of performances when I feel we started to do the play justice. Everyone told me I was excellent afterwards. I wanted to believe them and actually allowed myself to do so during the last-night LoveIn but you can sculpt a turd any way you like - it still smells.
The fact is that I was producing more professional results as an amateur. Since going 'professional' I have found myself compromising more & more artistically.
So, now I am questioning why I ever went professional in the first place. I suspect it may be because I was/am confusing the term professional with the term full-time.
Am I working towards a justification of giving up the battle? Perhaps.
Acting is a project based world. As free-lancers we go from job to job building a network of contacts and repeat business. Full-time implies a surplus of available work where you can pick & choose between projects. That is patently nonsense. Actors are vastly more numerous than the parts available for them to play. So the reality of an acting career is extended periods of unemployment - for everyone.
There is no such thing as an acting career ladder.
The notion of a career ladder implies that there is a structure against which the ladder can be placed and that said structure is sufficiently stable to support ones ascent. The ladder itself also acts as an implicit guide to progress. You always know which way is up.
The mythical acting 'career' is just that, a myth. Take any successful career at its inception and it would have been impossible to detail exactly how they would achieve their success. It may have been possible to guess who is most likely to succeed but certainly not how. The successful actor's career only becomes apparent towards its end when the path taken through the opportunities and pitfalls becomes clear. Just by sticking around you do not automatically become endowed Executive in charge of acting.
An acting career consists of a series of random connections and opportunities. Those who succeed maintain themselves in a state of alertness and preparation to take advantage of these opportunities as they arise. They keep their skills sharp and their baggage light.
'The readiness is all'...
I have reached an impasse where my baggage is too heavy. I have lost my artistic way and my psychology is a mess. My debts are suffocating. My self-esteem is as low as I can ever remember - and believe me it's been low. I am creatively stunted. I feel that I have reached then end of the line and it's a frightening place to be as my options seem to be vanishingly small. I can neither retrest nor move forward.
I am mentally, physically, emotionally & spritually exhausted. I feel as though I've been holding my breath for the past ten years. Treating the race as the sprint I wanted it to be rather than the marathon it inevitably turned out to be.
Time to rest& recuperate I think. I know, I'll take 6 months out to re-group. I'll get a full time job. Regain some self-respect. Pay off my debts. Re-think where I want to be articstically. Why do I really want to be an actor?
But I know myself. My agent will finally call - "great part, top casting director, good contacts, oh & nudity required...".
Grab the self respect. Deep breath. 1000...2000...3000...Pull!!
- sisyphus 2005
heidless (12:15 pm)
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