9/29/2005

my agent's brains

a cannibal goes to a butcher and ask for a pound of brains.

he's offered a pound of lawyer's brains for £25; a pound of doctor's brains for £50 and a pound of agent's brains for £100

the cannibal asks why agent's brain's are so incredibly expensive.

the butcher replies curtly : 'do you have any idea how many agents it take to make up a pound of brains?'

9/28/2005

...about that cloud. audition re-scheduled

the feature film folk called again. audition postponed until saturday.

no big deal. gives me some time to get a further grip. actually looks like an interesting weekend. got that audition on sat and then an audition for a sit com on sunday. dunno where my karma's at but it's dragging me out the house at least. they've both sent me scripts so will obviously be taking some time to learn the buggers.

all good. spent most of my work time today turning the tanker in the direction of returning to computing. s'been a good while. quite stimulating really. terminology and detail starting to come back to me as i dig out old notes and prepare to do some proper study & research.

submitted a job app today. will hopefully prompt a response and give me some idea of where my marketability's at.

it's also meaning that i'm not holding onto getting an acting job as the sole solution to my problems. feeling more relaxed.

they bloody know! free feature audition

and of course just as i turn my sights away from acting i get an ego massaging audition out of the blue.

the producers of a low budget feature have seen me on shooting people and want to see me.

flattered but frustrated by potential conflicts. the schedule is spread over the 4th - 14th Oct. i have a few (by no means many) commitments in that time and would be loath to dep them out for an un-paying job.

money aside i'm delighted to be asked and looking forward to meeting the team tomorrow.

in myself i'm feeling a bit low energy and overweight. my self image ain't that great at the moment and it's affecting my confidence and confirming the fact that i need to get in shape. have quit drinking and focusing on building an exercise & diet plan into my life. feels pretty good so far.

anyway, gotta stop whingeing - every silver lining's got a cloud eh?

9/27/2005

yin time

after the chronic internal stress & confusion of the past period i have found myself letting go. to be honest i simpy couldn't hold on any longer or tighter.
time for self-review, pampering and fogiveness.
my decision to take pro-active control of my life seems to have made a fundamental change on my outlook. sleep was somewhat elusive last night with the usual worries but they were somehow more benign.
actively physically detoxing so tht should be somewhat interesting. a little nervous as to what will emerge from that process.
getting my head around leaving the pursuit of acting for a time. pros & cons abound. the pros win out at the moment.
the reality of my acting career is that it has become exclusively about living hand-to-mouth and chasing art free jobs. i did more professional work when i was an amateur.
my hope and plan through this process is to kick off my creativity once more. i have allowed the business to suck the life out of me artistically and have ended up with a poverty mentality. not good. i have a great deal to offer and it is time that i seize the reigns and make my statement.

9/26/2005

freedom, finances & availability

still a bit shaky. my experiences this year have somewhat undermined my self belief. understudying & fringe can do that.

so, my head-space is a rather tortured place to be. constantly worried about cash-flow and weighed down with debt.

also not happy with my physical state. consider myself to be two stone over-weight & not exercising regularly. self-image poor.

so, what's to be done?

physically i can sort myself out. looking to detox and rejuvenate and have started another blog to focus my mind on a clear plan. http://fitnessroad.blogspot.com/

financially i have to seriously consider all of my options. the bottom line is that i am carrying huge debt and it is dragging me under. if i were able to pay off a substantial amount of this debt then i would be much lighter on my feet - not to mention lighter in my own self.

the thought of taking, say 6 months out is actually quite attractive. it would allow me to rejunvenate my physicality, my enthusiasm and my finances. the downside is that i would not be available should any unique opportunities arise.

okay, now having written that let's think about it. to date i have covered pretty much all bases in terms of small scale theatre, stand-up, fringe theatre & no/low-budget films. i have actually got no intention to simply re-tread that same old ground. consequently, i am now in the position of chasing ever rarer beasts. i do not mean that in a negative sense, simply in the sense that i am now much more discriminating about what i want to do.

therefore it is very possible that no suitable opportunity will come along in the next 6 months.

if something does come up i can always take the time off to audition - probably more flexible than my current situation where i commit to certain days for the freelance roleplay.

if an excellent job comes along then i can resign! - take the hit. if the jobs's worth it then fine - go for it.

mmm, never thought i'd be hankering to return to the nine to five...

9/24/2005

3 more years of Bush? the horror...

robert parry's article 'what to do about the bush problem.'

9/22/2005

a jobsworth doing

bit rushed this morning. had a corporate roleplay gig relatively nearby - 20min bus journey away.

got to the bus stop put correct money into the ticket machine at the stop; pressed the button; it made the noise but no ticket. shook it; hit it - nothing. annoyed.

bus came along i explained to driver. he wasn't interested. decided to simply buy another ticket. pulled out £5 at which point the little man sucked his teeth and said "i've just left the depot. no change." i'd used my change in my abortive attempt to get a ticket from the machine. impasse. he asks me to get off the bus. i ask if he's taking the piss. "you can't pay so get off". dumbfounded i said something - can't remember what and got off - "come prepared" he shouts as the door closed. i see red "fuck you" i reply - ah the wit...

snapped the bus registration with my camera. noted time & place. got change & another bus. inspectors on board. explained my experience they apologised which calmed me down. gave them the details of the retard who dealt with me. will complain formally and do everything in my poswer to make sure the scum is out of a job for christmas.

may life bring him and his family all they deserve.

9/21/2005

Jesus -> Bush -> Hell on Earth

christianity, judeism, islam, latter-day-saints, jehovah's witnesses and the rest...

all works of fiction created to enslave humanity. all using the same oppression & torture to extract esoteric, self-empowering knowledge from the mainstream.

the jesus lie is one such fake story visciously enforced by the satanic forces of the mainstream church over the ages since the lie was initiated as a vehicle to enslave the mind and spirits of the populace. using fear, torture & murder to suck truth from common currency.

another strand of that enslavement has been the illusion of freedom, choice & self-determination provided by the evangelising of democracy. this has been sold as the great white hope for the oppressed people of the earth and it's success had been exemplified by the U.S.A.

now George W. Bush & co has been put in place, along with the other set of puppet governments , to discredit democracy and make us hanker for 'another solution'.

in the meantime we have been seeded with the concept that 'perhaps' the official story of jesus was a smokescreen. what better way to maintain and further tighten control over our thoughts and actions than by appearing to increase our freedoms but subtly herding us into making the 'obvious' choices.

we think: perhaps the story of this mystical, political genius has become obscured by the corrupting influences that eventually took over the church: nasty priests.

we realise: of course jesus was directly inspired by our lord god. his message was truth and his great work was/is the salvation of the world. however, that initial inspired truth has become debased through the generations by the soiled hands of uninspired man and corporate religion and business: nasty corporations.

we hope: perhaps jesus was just like us but 'special'. perhaps he married and had a family. perhaps that family has sacrificed it's own advancement to protect the truth throughout the ages. perhaps that family are, in fact, the keeper of the graal; the blood of christ; it's own bloodline: nice people.

we pray: so, here we have the fact that popular politics has failed. democracy has failed. who do we turn to? what on earth can we do? oh, just when we need it the concept of royalty regains credence. not a tired, decadent, limp monarchy but a line of warrior priests dedicated to maintaining the truth and purity of their noble message. theirs is a pure bloodline containing the god-given gift of kings. The blood royal is amongst us and - reluctantly - willing to lead us to salvation. King Arthur has returned to save us: nice saviours.

George Bush et al are not fools. The are far from failures. Their raison d'etre is to de-stabilise the world and lead us to the brink. The existing world order and front institutions have served their purpose and are in the process of being fundamentally discredited. The illusion of freedom is about to be stripped away to be replaced with the revealed reality of subservience & repression.

The death of George W. Bush & the apparent deconstruction of the old discredited world order will be replaced by dictatorship. We will rejoice & cheer at the inception of this New World Order but will quickly learn it exists for it's own benefit not ours. We are meat in the grinder and fodder for its purposes.

As the ethnic cleansing of New Orleans was triggered by Katrina and facilitated by the Administration so the environmental, financial and societal collapse of the world has been faciliated and hastened with the active particpation of our leaders.

We may choose to believe The Bible and take comfort from it's nonsensical orthodoxy or The De Vinci Code having been shocked at its adolescent revelations or The Holy Blood & The Holy Grail with its pseudo academic chain of revelations. Any contradiction or conflict between these viewpoints is as genuine as a WWF grudge fight. They all serve the same purpose.

Wherever we sit on this spectrum of mutually supporting revelation it is all fiction and we are being groomed for slavery.

enjoy.

9/20/2005

public sneeze

Try this: whenever someone you’re with sneezes & goes – ‘excuse me’ – don’t say a word.

Nothing… Next one to speak loses…

I guarantee you that they will initially be confused, then offended, then angry. Their life will not be able to continue until you have ‘blessed’ them & suddenly you’re a bastard.

They
have assaulted your senses

They
have drowned you in their mucal shower

They
have infected you with their unique cocktail of microbial contagion

But you’re the cunt

Fuck them

If they insist then simply drop your kecks & lay some cable and say ‘oh, excuse me…’

Then wait for them to bless you

Personally, when I want to expel bodily waste I use the fucking toilet.

- sisyphus 2005


anti-fit

Looks are important – guys. Well at least looking your best - being presentable.

I realized recently that I was in a sartorial rut. My wardrobe was getting a little thin - anorexic to be honest.

I decided to up my game & buy a new pair of jeans – baby steps, baby steps.
Went to the shop; picked my size. For once they’re too big. Great - I thought - must be losing weight. The low-food, high alcohol diet is finally working!. You know – only liquid cards after 5pm? Truth be told you don’t actually lose weight but by 7pm you’re so pissed you’ve forgotten you’re a fat bastard – so on paper, we’re fine.

Result!! I’ve finally stopped the rot. My identity as an adolescent trapped in a decaying, increasingly corpulent middle-aged body is no longer to be challenged on a daily basis by the immediate physical evidence mercilessly beamed back at me by the, oh so indifferent arbiter that is - my bedroom mirror.

I have beaten the fates.

I am a time lord.

I am a GOD!

I AM IMMORTAL!!!

I burst out of the cubicle and do a lap of honor round the store. I stop to catch my breath. Awww, I’m in my pants. Back into the cubicle & on with my original trousers. Another lap of honor & end up at the counter.

“My man. I like these jeans but this size is way too large. Might I not have them 1 size smaller – possibly 2?”
He look at me - puzzled. “Naw man. There’s only one size guy. They’re raj man. They’re real. They’re true. They’re fly bro. Baggy is the new skin tight geez. These are ANTI-fit…

What the hell is - anti-fit? Wayne Rooney is anti-fit; Jade is anti-fit… Jordan is – fuckin – anti- fit; NOT my over-sized and – quite frankly – mis-shapen denim trousers. Piiiiiiisssss Offfff!

Bottom line – these guys have our number man. They SAVE money by producing single-sized, raggedy assed pieces of shit which – DON’T FIT!

We SEEK OUT the aforementioned single-sized, raggedy assed pieces of shit and pay a PREMIUM for them BECAUSE - they DON’T FIT!.

Anti-fit. Anti-sense man.

Bought them anyway. Hey, they’re cool.

Paid for them in monopoly money.

Guy objected. I said hey bro, it’s cool – it’s dosh , it’s moolah, , it’s COUNTER-fit – fuck u.

Laters.

- sisyphus 2005

9/19/2005

fuses

We have plugged ourselves into the machine. To avoid pain, to dim the sufferring. Crap but predictable. Malls, leisure complexes, chemicals - both illicit and licit. We insert ourselves like fuses into the complex &, like fuses, we burn out, are disposed of and replaced. We sanctioned the machine, we welcomed it with relief but now exist merely as a willing and consumable component .

We 'insure' ourselves against the inevitable. 'Life insurance! ' - u will die!! non-smokers are not immortal. life is random .We richochet our conflicting appetites & territories with inevitable but unpredictable results. You trip you sue - look where you're fucking going!

insomnia

The longest night. Saw 4 o'clock come & go. A million thoughts churning through my gut. Comfort-rocking the fear. feotal depression. Options diminish & - finally - the comfort of zero choice, the snuggling cloud of hopelessness packaging the fear for it's incarceration of slumber.

The fear fears sleep. Avoids it. Denies it. Sleep may repair & comfort in it's fully furnished padded cell but it brings the next day in an instant. To lose consciousness me, again the realisation of ourselves - the recall of our existence.

Alarm - occipital shock. Time ambitiously set with pre-insomniac confidence. Where? Who? What? Oh - here - me ... this...

The longest night looms...

- sisyphus 2005


9/15/2005

self esteem free-fall: professionalism & the executive actor

Sitting in the void. Willing, ready & (avail)able. You're networked out. The drip, drip replenishment of your reseves of self-confidence have been purged once more in an instant as some 'administrator' blythely dismisses your work and pulls the plug.

Your only choice is in the color of smoke you want trailing from your self-esteem as it plumets in abject free-fall into the abyss. Even now you attempt to make a unique spiral of your destruction; to create a final signature move. No-one notices.

There has to come a time when you think 'why the hell am I doing this?'

When you set out you seemed so sure. You had clarity of purpose and the energy to drive it forward. You would give 200%, put your talent out there and seize the success that is rightfully yours. But what was that purpose? How clearly did you work it out? How would you know when you had achieved 'success'?

I have somewhat lost the plot. This is particularly careless as I don't have many plots to lose, none having been sent my way recently. It has been six months since my last paid acting job - a small national tour (understudying). Excellent company. Never got my chance to go on. Since then I have done a couple of short films and a fringe play.

The films were short & fun if of dubious quality.

The play was tortuous as we weren't able to allocate sufficient time to rehearsal. The limited time was due the the cliched compromises of fringe theatre. Primarily being unable to commit 'money job' time to your art.

It involved a huge learn on the part of my co-performer & the delivery of a big accent change on my part.

Consequently, rehearsals were hampered by my accentual paranoia and stubborn labial musculature and by the fact that they became line learning sessions. We opened and were pretty rubbish until the last couple of performances when I feel we started to do the play justice. Everyone told me I was excellent afterwards. I wanted to believe them and actually allowed myself to do so during the last-night LoveIn but you can sculpt a turd any way you like - it still smells.

The fact is that I was producing more professional results as an amateur. Since going 'professional' I have found myself compromising more & more artistically.

So, now I am questioning why I ever went professional in the first place. I suspect it may be because I was/am confusing the term professional with the term full-time.

Am I working towards a justification of giving up the battle? Perhaps.

Acting is a project based world. As free-lancers we go from job to job building a network of contacts and repeat business. Full-time implies a surplus of available work where you can pick & choose between projects. That is patently nonsense. Actors are vastly more numerous than the parts available for them to play. So the reality of an acting career is extended periods of unemployment - for everyone.

There is no such thing as an acting career ladder.

The notion of a career ladder implies that there is a structure against which the ladder can be placed and that said structure is sufficiently stable to support ones ascent. The ladder itself also acts as an implicit guide to progress. You always know which way is up.

The mythical acting 'career' is just that, a myth. Take any successful career at its inception and it would have been impossible to detail exactly how they would achieve their success. It may have been possible to guess who is most likely to succeed but certainly not how. The successful actor's career only becomes apparent towards its end when the path taken through the opportunities and pitfalls becomes clear. Just by sticking around you do not automatically become endowed Executive in charge of acting.

An acting career consists of a series of random connections and opportunities. Those who succeed maintain themselves in a state of alertness and preparation to take advantage of these opportunities as they arise. They keep their skills sharp and their baggage light.

'The readiness is all'...

I have reached an impasse where my baggage is too heavy. I have lost my artistic way and my psychology is a mess. My debts are suffocating. My self-esteem is as low as I can ever remember - and believe me it's been low. I am creatively stunted. I feel that I have reached then end of the line and it's a frightening place to be as my options seem to be vanishingly small. I can neither retrest nor move forward.

I am mentally, physically, emotionally & spritually exhausted. I feel as though I've been holding my breath for the past ten years. Treating the race as the sprint I wanted it to be rather than the marathon it inevitably turned out to be.

Time to rest& recuperate I think. I know, I'll take 6 months out to re-group. I'll get a full time job. Regain some self-respect. Pay off my debts. Re-think where I want to be articstically. Why do I really want to be an actor?

But I know myself. My agent will finally call - "great part, top casting director, good contacts, oh & nudity required...".

Grab the self respect. Deep breath. 1000...2000...3000...Pull!!

- sisyphus 2005