one codpiece for sale. barely used

Ain't heard from my agent since the last posting. Not convinced that he is in reality doing anything other than fielding enquiries and opportunities that I send his way.

To be frank I am beginning to think that my race has been run - as an actor that is.

I've spent the last ten years throwing myself on the barbed wire only for others to run over me. I suppose my implicit expectation was that they'd stop to give me a hand, but no, off they sprinted onto the career launch-pad.

It's them pesky expectations again (see Grating Expectations). We may not consciously have them but by their very nature they are there and ready to trip you up before dancing round your head like tweaty-pie stun birds in a Tex Avery cartoon.

One such expectation is that I would eventually find a place; that out of the thousands of aspirants I would be able to make my impression and find my niche. We thousands, we happy thousands, throw ourselves at the rabbit fence and my assumption was that I was smart enough and talented enough to be running over the lessons of others and prevailing rather than providing the lessons and receiving another bootprint on my head.

Not hugely depressed by this just somewhat resigned.

Neophyte actors are like newly hatched tortoises washing up on the shore, scrambling for purchase and then being sucked back out by the undertow. How strong are you? How far do you have to fight? Survival is a lottery of your genetic heritage and where on the beach you hatched. So, as with acting, success is determined by where your are laid and by whom. Boom Boom!

The key thing for me at the moment is that I am sick to my bones of living hand to mouth for no other reason than to be available. I feel like the 'other woman'. He rarely calls and when he does all he wants is swift, secretive gratification doing those things 'she' won't do for him.

I find the thought of returning to wage slavery anathema. However, I have been working on a rather neat internet business idea and I am sorely tempted to quit the arena for some time in order to get the thing established.

I have been nurturing the idea for years and over the course of this year I have been building the product and web-store. Initially, it was simply an academic exercise but recently I have found the whole process to be more and more challenging. Also, as I have been applying energy to it the products and services have been evolving - to the extent that I am convinced that it could be a significant success. It uniquely combines my business, computing and acting expertise.

I need some success in my life.

I am thoroughly jaded and feel that this is partially down to my own false expectations of making a living through acting. If I were able to establish a solid financial base then the reality of one, maybe two, decent acting jobs a year becomes a joy rather than a curse.

Of course, if I were to hang up my codpiece, there is always the casting aphrodisiac of unavailability. As soon as you leave the cathouse all the johns come begging.