virgin diary, beauty pageants & sky hooks

My diary is pristine. It sits on my computer devoid of the intrusions of appointments and obligations. It's the first time for a while and somewhat disconcerting.

Yes, I'll admit that a lot of the recent 'work' has been primarily pro bono and that the bulk of the paying work has been corporate training & roleplay but hey it's a living - almost.

BTW: I use the term pro bono as opposed to working for free. The former is latin "for the good" and defines the provision of valuable professional services free of charge - the power is mutual. The latter implies that you're free anyway and they're doing you a favour by using your sorry arse - the power is theirs.

The Midlands jaunt was interesting. Train'ed it up to Stockport and we were put up in a seventies throwback of a hotel. Bredbury Hall & Country Club where you're never short of a prawn cocktail, steak diane or a panatella. I'm sure Abigail was having a Party and international superstar Demis Roussos was trilling away in an area cordoned off for a group of historical party re-enactors. I was particularly sad to have missed "the return of our prestigious Miss Bredbury Hall competition. Sponsored by Dancing Red Devil Fireworks : Illuminating All Special Occassions". Should any of you young ladies out there - i believe the professional term is 'totty' - wish to take part in this prestigious event here's the application form. You probably want to start wrapping your pretty little heads round the following question in preparation for next year : "Who would you most like to go out on a dinner date with and why?" Got it? Okay, run along now and fetch me a gin and tonic babes - and get it right this time yeh?

Co-incidentally, the training we were delivering was in Bullying & Harassment for a huge social housing concern. Particularly we were aiming to show the delegates how to bully & harass more effectively and without detection - sorry, just a bit of corporate training humor there - welcome to my life. Sadly a number of faces would usually light up when we delivered that particular bon mot.

We're delivering this training throughout the organisation from chief exec to tea boy and once again it's like we're back in the seventies.

Certain views are, how shall I put it, somewhat entrenched. How does blatant & institutionalised sexism hit ya? Bit of unconscious racism? Heightism? What about your Mentals?

Now I despise the fascist PC crowd. I believe that being purely against an evil is almost as bad as the evil itself and perpetuates both in mutual justification. Yes, but what are you FOR?!? I sporadically do stand-up and have actually scared audiences as they await the hand of whatever brand of deity (religious or otherwise) I am bighting to smite me down with mighty vengeance. They laugh too sometimes.

But the key to it all is mutual respect and love.

Now the 'l' word might not apply so much in the workplace but Respect does. Everyone has a right to being treated with respect & dignity.

The training had been prompted by a particular case where a young apprentice had been subjected to brutal, sustained and repeated bullying over the course of six months.

Now we're not talking being sent to the stores to fetch some sky hooks nor a long stand nor a glass hammer nor a bubble for a spirit level nor a rope lengthener nor a second aid kit nor a tin of dehydrated water nor even a tin of tartan paint.

This kid would turn up to work and could expect to be physically assaulted and verbally abused on a daily basis. It was eventually discovered and, fair play to the company, they sacked the scum perpetrating the bullying and have put this training, a help line and clear complaints processes in place.

Inevitably we were indeed accused of evangelising political correctness - not quite how our esteemed delegates put it. And, despite my Scottish background, I am now an honourary "southern poof" - marvellous.

"It's just a bit of fun. I didn't mean to upset her. She's just being over sensitive. Maybe she's on the blob."

The bottom line legally is that your intention is irelevant. It is the effect that counts.

The great thing is though that most of them 'got it' by the end of the session. By the time we had enacted a number of scenarios and they had questioned/accused/defended us they had seen it from the target's point of view - which is key.

I am in danger of feeling that I am actually doing some good. Mmmm, sure it will pass.

It's good to have returned to the 21st Century safely and I am confident that I did nothing to change history.

I was worried for a little while. I bumped into this nerdy kid who took an inordinate interest in my electronic organiser. I hid it sharpish.

He said that he had a dream of making computing available to everyone but he didn't want to try to sell his system until it was perfect and would be able to seamlessly and securely handle the most difficult tasks.

He believed it would take him 15 years to develop the perfect product. His intention was to establish a charitable foundation to provide this unprecedented computing power freely to the world with all revenue generated being poured into ending world conflict and hunger. I left him to it.

I commented to my colleagues. "Shame he doesn't realise that it's all about being the first to market and market share is God. Once you've tied the suckers into your particular brand of shite they're stuck like flies in amber. Whether it works or not is totally irellevant. You can then proceed to jack-f*ck them forever more and you're not even obliged to give them the reach round."

Don't think he heard me though. Now what was his name? - Gits, Gats, Kates... whatever.

Now it's time for a holiday. Think i'll beam over to the new Sandals on Mars. I've heard it's really groovy.

Huh? What d'ya mean "What?"? Why are you looking at me like that?