bring on the dancing girls

A week without posting. What was i thinking?

I would rate this week as average with a particularly bitter after taste of cash-flow hell.

I realised last saturday that a payment I had been promised hadn't materialised on schedule. This propogated a seismic shudder through the already shaky foundations of my finances prompting drastic remediation (why don't I speak proper?).

So, for the past week I have been obsessively dealing with finances. Consequently, all creative and aspirational shoots have been crushed under the iron boot of survival. Deep joy!

I've found myself becoming increasingly obsessed with money over the past few years.

My previous life held the implicit assumption of plenty. I was earning stupid amounts in The City but not valuing it or my life. Consequently I blew the lot somewhat spectacularly and in oh so cliched a manner. Note to self: "It's called shit for a reason...'

Now I am making a 'living' as an actor and hugely value the little I have while deeply regretting having so blithely blown so much in my previous life. To date 'acting' has cost me my pension, my savings, my house and I am in substantial debt. My pursuit of freedom and independence has so far reduced my options and tightened the ties that bind.

Why the hell am I doing this?

Ok, I could be giving it the Pheonix vibe. Now while I have successfully reduced myself and life to ashes I am sure there was a bit about rising from them.

Truth be told I think there is an element of asshole tax on demolishing my old life. I think I subconsciously felt that I needed to pay my dues and earn the right to succeed as an actor. What bullshit!

All that said: the dues are being paid; the direct debit is in place; so bring on the dancing girls...