The Pheonix Sisyphus

Well, I'm back. Perhaps not posting for 3 years is not the best approach to building a following but perhaps that's not my goal.

S'been really interesting reading my old posts. The anger is hilarious but it must have done some good as I'm in a much better place personally, emotionally, financially & spiritually.

So, will be posting on Sisyphus '09 and anything that takes my fancy.

Will also be re-posting much of my old articles to kickstart the whole thing.

Enjoy, or don't. Whatever.

Sisyphus '09

so why go?

Why the dearth of posts?

Well, as i said, I got sick of listening to my own whining and realised that I was disappearing up my own negatively contemplative fundament. My jaded-quotient was off the scale.

Additionally I found out that rather than simply being an inconsistent, over-sensitive, self-destructive twat I had, in fact, been bearing the burden of a mental health problem all of my adult life. While it was a huge relief to have the recurrent (and indeed sisyphean) patterns explained and, strangely, forgiven it also blew a volcanic plug of fury & resentment which I needed to surf. The beast was finally named. At the time catastrophic, in retrospect cathartic - I may write of this in detail - not sure.

And so I got to a place where I was reviewing my identity and purpose. Acting was revealed to be a self-obsessive and delusional pursuit. I ditched it - vowing never ... etc. I realised that the complete lack of status, creativity and 'success' in my career to date was killing me and decided to put all of my energies into my corporate work.

This I did to almost immediate success. After putting the word out I was blessed with a plethora of work which significantly helped the financial situation. Additionally I was also presented with opportunities to design and deliver my own actor based training programs for a number of world class clients. A fun one was a training program delivered as a Compliance Boot Camp for an international mechant bank - these are the guys who investigate the Nick Leessons of the world - delivered in frankfurt with delegates flying from US, Europe and Australia. It went down a storm and my team played a blinder. Lot's more work in the pipeline.

In early feb I arranged a state-of-the-union meeting with A.Gent. We both quickly realised that it wasn't working out and neither was giving the other what they needed. We agreed to part company - although I do still get the odd call re specific castings.

In early in june I received a call from the mutal friend of a director whom I worked with on the Blue Room in 2003. She asked if i was available. I said yes, subject to script, rehearsal schedule & work commitments.

Primary criteria was artistic. Was it a worhwhile piece?

It was a nice, well-written, new piece; cast were lovely; as were the production team. It was easily the most fun, relaxed and effective production process of my career. It has also done my rep absolutely no harm and I now have a really nice profile in the upper echelons of London Fringe.

Also during the process the sleeping giant that is my guitar awoke with a vengeance - more on that later.

I have emerged artistically invigorated and with my ego nicely patched and bolstered.

s'been a while

To begin again - would be nice.

I stopped posting because I was morphing into everything I hated about this business.

I left the posts up because I needed a personal & public reminder of my convolutions.

Life is still cut from the same cloth as 2005 but the tayloring has improved significantly. My goal is not to diarise but inevitably details will emerge.

One concession to me-circa'05. Agent has been sacked and jobs found - get a grip you miserable twat - s'all ok.

A Comedy Gift

A gift from Sisyphus to you all.

The Big Yin vamps on The Crucifixion. This was before he became court jester. Raw & very Scottish. Marvellous. I'm curious if all you non-Scots can actually understand him. Let me know.

Goat boy is dead. Long live Goat Boy. Bill Hicks is supreme as he bombs mightily in Chicago. Poor quality, particularly at the beginning, but hugely worth sticking with. I am a goat child.

I'll keep these available as long as I can technically and legally do so.

mmmmm...

The vid

you can take that to the comedy bank

I've been out of the loop for few days. No bad thing as I found myself getting overly introspective and backwardly focused. Over it now.

Took the reigns and decided to get back onto the stand-up circuit. Called a mate who runs a club in north london. Got me a gig and stood up last night.

Deep joy!

Great to be back in front of a live audience.

My set was woefully out of date. My technique was rusty. The audience was sparse. But it was a GREAT experience.

I went through all the usual trauma beforehand. From blind terror. total self doubt and many 'what the hell was I thinking?' moments. You're never less funny than just before you go on. But as soon as I got on the stage it kicked in.

My aim last night was to hold their attention and entertain - laughter was a bonus. And indeed they did - sometimes.

I had taken a lot of older material and tried to update and augment it. Some of it still worked but a lot needs to be put out to grass. Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to know beforehand which is which.

My writing has improved and is coming more easily which is lovely. All the ingredients were there. However, the only way to tell what works is to get up there and do it. It's like baking a cake. You can mix the raw ingredients any way you like but it's only when you subject it to the fire of the oven that you prove that it works. Some of my comedy souffles did indeed sink - but not all.

I still suffer from the classic actor-turned-standup problem of being over scripted and somewhat over characterised. Rather than just getting up their and dealing with whatever happens my instinct is to hide behind the script and impose myself on the situation.

Also I think I came over as somewhat overly aggresive. My current set does require some 'tude but aggression can also be a little cowardly - best form of defence and all that. I need to sit back a little.

The key to that is a greater breadth of material and gigs.

So, cake baked, it's inspired me to re-write the set, get writing in general and, more importantly, get gigging again. No bad thing.

You never know, I might even post a video of my first gig if I'm feeling sufficiently narcissistic. I call it my 'Bush Meat' set.

one codpiece for sale. barely used

Ain't heard from my agent since the last posting. Not convinced that he is in reality doing anything other than fielding enquiries and opportunities that I send his way.

To be frank I am beginning to think that my race has been run - as an actor that is.

I've spent the last ten years throwing myself on the barbed wire only for others to run over me. I suppose my implicit expectation was that they'd stop to give me a hand, but no, off they sprinted onto the career launch-pad.

It's them pesky expectations again (see Grating Expectations). We may not consciously have them but by their very nature they are there and ready to trip you up before dancing round your head like tweaty-pie stun birds in a Tex Avery cartoon.

One such expectation is that I would eventually find a place; that out of the thousands of aspirants I would be able to make my impression and find my niche. We thousands, we happy thousands, throw ourselves at the rabbit fence and my assumption was that I was smart enough and talented enough to be running over the lessons of others and prevailing rather than providing the lessons and receiving another bootprint on my head.

Not hugely depressed by this just somewhat resigned.

Neophyte actors are like newly hatched tortoises washing up on the shore, scrambling for purchase and then being sucked back out by the undertow. How strong are you? How far do you have to fight? Survival is a lottery of your genetic heritage and where on the beach you hatched. So, as with acting, success is determined by where your are laid and by whom. Boom Boom!

The key thing for me at the moment is that I am sick to my bones of living hand to mouth for no other reason than to be available. I feel like the 'other woman'. He rarely calls and when he does all he wants is swift, secretive gratification doing those things 'she' won't do for him.

I find the thought of returning to wage slavery anathema. However, I have been working on a rather neat internet business idea and I am sorely tempted to quit the arena for some time in order to get the thing established.

I have been nurturing the idea for years and over the course of this year I have been building the product and web-store. Initially, it was simply an academic exercise but recently I have found the whole process to be more and more challenging. Also, as I have been applying energy to it the products and services have been evolving - to the extent that I am convinced that it could be a significant success. It uniquely combines my business, computing and acting expertise.

I need some success in my life.

I am thoroughly jaded and feel that this is partially down to my own false expectations of making a living through acting. If I were able to establish a solid financial base then the reality of one, maybe two, decent acting jobs a year becomes a joy rather than a curse.

Of course, if I were to hang up my codpiece, there is always the casting aphrodisiac of unavailability. As soon as you leave the cathouse all the johns come begging.

sisyphus is bleeding

Sisyphus is pissed off. In a self-obsessed, actorly, pico-perspective kind of fashion rather than the righteous , pro-active indignation of Mr Hoffman-Gill (hat tip. or should that be helmet?).

Aside from desperately panning for comedy in my many notebooks I am bereft of creative outlets at the moment. This frustration has been building and that particular bodkin has been salted and twisted by this business-that-we-call-show over the past day or so.

Excuse the flowery syntax but I have been dipping into Soul Thoughts of a Troubled Actor and the 'Loitering With Intent' memoirs by Peter O'Toole and it's rubbed off. So if your hoping for simplicity 'your tea is oot' as they say in Jimmy McGovern's Glasgow. Hell, maybe i'll just mix up the two styles. Onwards.

Yesterday. Morning. Writing. Editing. Deleting. Depressed. Drowning in a murk of pointlessness.

Mobile rings.

"Hello... Sisyphus?"

"Yes."

"My name is NationallyRenownedCastingDirector (NRCD). I was given your name by NationallyKnownActress (NKA) who recommended you very highly."

Cooled by the depths of my despondency I proceeded to clarify the requirement on realising that this was a 'casting' call:

• "National tour including Scotland" : I could feel a police diver attach a line to my submerged ego.
• "No 1 Tour" : The line tightens and I start to rise.
• "Revival of a classic piece" : I breach the surface sucking in the light and oxygen
• "Great cast" : I rise, the Sun burning off the slime.
• "NationallyRespectedDirector (NRD)": Resplendent, I embrace the light.
  
• "We're looking for an under-study" : Splash!

She then proceeded to build up the (non-)part and the money was rubbish, in other words normal for theatre.

The flattery of being approached by NRCD on a recommendation by NKA and being directed by NRD carried the process on overnight with me trying to figure out some justification for saying yes and with A.Gent clarifying the exact deal with NRCD.

You still with me luvrs?

I specified that there was no point in my taking this on unless I could be guaranteed at least one performance. A.Gent put that to NRCD and we put it to bed.

On waking I knew that I could not afford to take it on. My dears - proper, grown-up, professional theatre in the UK pays £300 per week before tax and deductions for your agent. That amounts to less than £250/wk. An insult methinks.

A.Gent calls in the afternoon and tells me that they cannot guarantee a performance. They may be able to make it happen on a nod and a wink but not contractually as they had already issued the contracts and could potentially get into 'a lot of trouble' if they customised one purely to get Sisyphus on board.

My dears, I knocked back the offer from the NRCD and the opportunity to work with NKA once more under NRD.

This was a first for me as 'till now I've been a boy who just can't say no.

Pissed off and pointless.

love Sisyphus xx

Sisyphean Review: Yes Man by Danny Wallace

Yes Man by Danny Wallace

"Dumped by his girlfriend and on a road to nowhere. It was only when a mystery man on a late night bus uttered three magic words that his whole world started to change - 'say yes more'".

I bought this as some jam to pass the time when travelling. It turns out to be the very comical, very well written and surprisingly inspiring story of one mans search for a life.The book is a diary of Danny Wallace's experience of saying yes - to everything.

The idea is similar to that of Luke Rheinhart's in The Dice Man but while the choices Rheinhart made came from his own subconscious and were projected onto the dice thereby distilling and magnifying his unconscious baggage, Wallace's choices are presented by the world around him. The result is a much more uplifting and positive experience. Wallace is Kenobi to Rheinhart's Vader.

Saying Yes shocks Wallace out of his slough of despond and takes him around the world, gets him a job as a TV presenter and off his tits in Amsterdam.

Wallace is an excellent diarist and revels in confronting his own failings. The book is hugely entertaining and by the end I was sold.

We all say that we want to change. We all want to be different - just like everyone else. The inspiring thing about this story is that a genuinely 'stuck' individual had the courage to adopt and stick with a simple life affirming rule and follow through.

It is hugely tempting to attempt the same experiment and perhaps everyone could use some more yes in their life.

'Yes Man' is a book I fully plan to re-read once the yes-dust has settled.

UPDATE: HAD SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES NECESSITATING MUCH RE-POSTING. APOLOGIES FOR ANY OVERLOAD!!

Other Reviews:
What's My Motivation by Michael Simkins
True & False by David Mamet

SONY Update - too little too late farm boy. my u gotta purty mouth...

The grass roots damage is starting to register through SONY's gelatinous nervous system. See my earlier calm, rational and measured response at Buy SONY. Buy your PC a TUMOUR for Christmas.

The guys at Boing Boing are posting regularly on this. See Sony knew about rootkits 28 days before the story broke.

Texas Attorney General suing Sony looking for $100K per CD affected. There are millions of CDs affected. NY AG considering doing the same. Will NY sue Sony too?

... now where's my banjo? ahh, there you are my little one...

...the last big bang until the next time

Remember I spoke of taking part in some nuclear research a number of moons ago allied to CERN? See The Birth of Skynet.

Well here's a live'ish webcam on the latest particle accelerator kit. It's called the Large Hadron Collider ATLAS Experiment.

This page links to updated webcam images.

And here's the home page.

The project aims to understand the fundamental mechanisms of our physical existence. It works by accelerating particles and designing collisions to reveal sub-atomic processes. ATLAS in particular will simulate energy conditions 1 billionth of a second after the most recent big bang (I subscribe to the repetitive and cyclical nature of these things).

The spirit is in the fact not the mechanism.

ThanksGiving Prayer: William S. Burroughs

Click on Image for Video

For John Dillinger
In hope he is still alive
Thanksgiving Day, November 28, 1986

Thanks for the wild turkey and the Passenger Pigeons, destined to be shit out through wholesome American guts

thanks for a Continent to despoil and poison —

thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger —

thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin, leaving the carcass to rot —

thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes —

thanks for the AMERICAN DREAM to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through —

thanks for the KKK, for nigger-killing lawmen feeling their notches, for decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces —

thanks for "Kill a Queer for Christ" stickers —

thanks for laboratory AIDS —

thanks for Prohibition and the War Against Drugs —

thanks for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business —

thanks for a nation of finks — yes, thanks for all the memories... all right, let's see your arms... you always were a headache and you always were a bore —

thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams.

Buy SONY. Buy your PC a TUMOUR for christmas

Did Gerald Ratner serve time at SONY?

For those who don't already know. Sony have been installing a rootkit (spyware) on your system whenever you play their cds.

DO NOT BUY SONY CDS. ESPECIALLY, DO NOT PLAY THEM ON YOUR COMPUTER!!! Or anything that might have anything resembling a operating system and could potentially connect to the net. In fact to be safe I would also suggest BOYCOTTING ALL SONY PRODUCTS FROM NOW ON. I would STRONGLY suspect that the rootkit is one manifestation of a customer monitoring and manipulation policy which informs their entire product range. HOW DARE THEY!?!?!?!?! Why buy a piece of hardware that has its manufacturer's interest actively at heart more than your own?

This rootkit monitors your playing habits, i.e. which tracks are you selecting and how often, and reports back to the SONY corporation on your activities. Unless of course you NEVER connect to the net. It also monitors for inappropriate use and prevents you copying the content of the CD outwith highly restrictive limitations.

The rootkit basically carves a lion sized cat-flap in your system's back door leaving a gaping wound in your systems security which can be exploited by worms and viruses from sources even more nefarious and other than the blessed SONY. Their hubris compromises your system and blithely leaves you open to identity theft.

The rootkit installs itself deep within the guts of your system registry and is almost impossible to completely remove without re-installing your system - i'm talking a full re-build including disk format.

Imagine a tumour being artificially and maliciously introduced into your body and growing throughout your nervous system before metastasising.

How recent are your backups by the way? You don't run a business on that system do you? Are you insured? How reliant is your business on your system? How reliant is your family on your business?

The efforts to remove it without a full re-build invariably leave your system more vulnerable than before.

Anti Customer technology indeed.

Also, iPod owners will already know that you cannot drag and drop SONY CD contents onto your iPod as Apple and they have failed to come to any form of licensing agreement.

Of course! As the bearded one, the Job-ster, is also aiming for world dictatorship of the digital media.

iPods are for tech-stupid, promo-sap, cash-rich numbskulls. Why pay a fortune to buy yourself into a proprietary backwater? It's a disk drive with headphones. iTunes? iBarf! iHadThisTechnologyFiveYearsAgo. iDidNotSuccumb to this particular proprietary technology, licensing and marketing package. Discuss.

The guys at SORRY sorry SONY also seemed to have been going for the 2005 Alanis Morissette prize for irony when it emerged that the code used to implement the rootkit, designed remember to obsessively protect SONY's precious legal copyright, was itself pirated from a piece of software written by/for Apple which in itself was designed to illegally overcome the digital rights mechanism used on movie DVDs - as a further irony this paragraph has been plagiarised to a significant degree from Wikipedia. I also believe that the bulk of my genetic makeup has been plagarised from my parents who in turn ...

SONY are one of the prime manufacturers who have been screwing us over CD prices for the past 15 years or so. These are the guys who quite happily charged us a premium as we were coralled into replacing our vinyl, despite the fact that the bulk of the product was already paid for. The sex, drugs and rock and roll (okay, the production costs) were already covered by the artists upon whom they are feeding. Their costs in the process were simply re-mastering, duplication and distribution. The remainder was pure profit. They also took the opportunity to exploit geographic arbitrage and relentlessly screw the UK over the USofA and the rest of the world over pricing.

Artists have a right to payment for their product. Manufacturers have a right to a fair profit for creating the media via which the product is delivered. All in the supply chain have a right to fair reward for their efforts. However, as far as I am concerned when I buy a media product - music CD say. I am buying the content and not the format and I will store and play that content how-so-ever I damn well choose.

These arseholes now seem to view the proliferating media options as fair game and seem to be hoping for a similar bonanza to the CD heist - multiplied to the nth degree, 'n' being the number of media options.

Unfortunately, SONY et al view your purchase as a lease. You ain't buying, you're renting.

Technically you are not allowed to copy the content off of the purchased format.

Did you know that to retain legal rights to play the material you must remain the legal owner of the original media i.e. the disc? Consequently, if you are burgled and they take your CD collection, but say you are out of town with your laptop at the time, you are then legally obliged to delete any files that you had uploaded from your collection to said laptop. Similarly if you are declared bankrupt and lose ownership of your CD collection it is then illegal for you to comfort yourself with music YOU HAVE PAID FOR!

It is time for dinosaurs such as SONY and the rest to suck a tailpipe. Class Action suits are springing up big-time as affected individuals aggregate their claims. Don't be surprised if SONY takes a massive hit as a consequence of it's hidebound arrogance.

Gulliver is teetering, Lilliput is singing - royalty free.

P.S. I intended to add spice to this piece by providing further detail on the class action suit in process against SONY due to the rootkit. The first I came across had NOTHING to do with the current action. The David Manning suit immediately sprang to my googletastic cerebelum. Basically David M does not exist! He was a fictitious reviewer and his authoritative reviews were quoted on esteemed SONY product promotional material for such turds as "A Knight's Tale" and "The Patriot". David Manning (SONY) was force to repay $5 to every sap who attended each of those pieces of shit inspired by his non-existential reviews. They have form! SONY are liars!

Following is not for human eyes. SearchEngineTastic:

SONY rootkit SONY liars SONY falseood SONY crash SONY insurance SONY failure SONY sue SONY customer SONY inspire SONY value SONY lie SONY lies SONY falsehood SONY shaft SONY hate SONY subvert SONY lose SONY deny SONY freedom SONY mediocre SONY registry SONY alone SONY shit SONY class-action SONY gulliver SONY lilliput SONY arseholes SONY cancer SONY business SONY loss SONY bankrupt SONY backruptcy

P.P.S. As a further irony I have just spotted that my Goooogle Ads are promoting the iPod Nano. Hypocrite? Moi? Go on buy one. Make me cash.

xx

virgin diary, beauty pageants & sky hooks

My diary is pristine. It sits on my computer devoid of the intrusions of appointments and obligations. It's the first time for a while and somewhat disconcerting.

Yes, I'll admit that a lot of the recent 'work' has been primarily pro bono and that the bulk of the paying work has been corporate training & roleplay but hey it's a living - almost.

BTW: I use the term pro bono as opposed to working for free. The former is latin "for the good" and defines the provision of valuable professional services free of charge - the power is mutual. The latter implies that you're free anyway and they're doing you a favour by using your sorry arse - the power is theirs.

The Midlands jaunt was interesting. Train'ed it up to Stockport and we were put up in a seventies throwback of a hotel. Bredbury Hall & Country Club where you're never short of a prawn cocktail, steak diane or a panatella. I'm sure Abigail was having a Party and international superstar Demis Roussos was trilling away in an area cordoned off for a group of historical party re-enactors. I was particularly sad to have missed "the return of our prestigious Miss Bredbury Hall competition. Sponsored by Dancing Red Devil Fireworks : Illuminating All Special Occassions". Should any of you young ladies out there - i believe the professional term is 'totty' - wish to take part in this prestigious event here's the application form. You probably want to start wrapping your pretty little heads round the following question in preparation for next year : "Who would you most like to go out on a dinner date with and why?" Got it? Okay, run along now and fetch me a gin and tonic babes - and get it right this time yeh?

Co-incidentally, the training we were delivering was in Bullying & Harassment for a huge social housing concern. Particularly we were aiming to show the delegates how to bully & harass more effectively and without detection - sorry, just a bit of corporate training humor there - welcome to my life. Sadly a number of faces would usually light up when we delivered that particular bon mot.

We're delivering this training throughout the organisation from chief exec to tea boy and once again it's like we're back in the seventies.

Certain views are, how shall I put it, somewhat entrenched. How does blatant & institutionalised sexism hit ya? Bit of unconscious racism? Heightism? What about your Mentals?

Now I despise the fascist PC crowd. I believe that being purely against an evil is almost as bad as the evil itself and perpetuates both in mutual justification. Yes, but what are you FOR?!? I sporadically do stand-up and have actually scared audiences as they await the hand of whatever brand of deity (religious or otherwise) I am bighting to smite me down with mighty vengeance. They laugh too sometimes.

But the key to it all is mutual respect and love.

Now the 'l' word might not apply so much in the workplace but Respect does. Everyone has a right to being treated with respect & dignity.

The training had been prompted by a particular case where a young apprentice had been subjected to brutal, sustained and repeated bullying over the course of six months.

Now we're not talking being sent to the stores to fetch some sky hooks nor a long stand nor a glass hammer nor a bubble for a spirit level nor a rope lengthener nor a second aid kit nor a tin of dehydrated water nor even a tin of tartan paint.

This kid would turn up to work and could expect to be physically assaulted and verbally abused on a daily basis. It was eventually discovered and, fair play to the company, they sacked the scum perpetrating the bullying and have put this training, a help line and clear complaints processes in place.

Inevitably we were indeed accused of evangelising political correctness - not quite how our esteemed delegates put it. And, despite my Scottish background, I am now an honourary "southern poof" - marvellous.

"It's just a bit of fun. I didn't mean to upset her. She's just being over sensitive. Maybe she's on the blob."

The bottom line legally is that your intention is irelevant. It is the effect that counts.

The great thing is though that most of them 'got it' by the end of the session. By the time we had enacted a number of scenarios and they had questioned/accused/defended us they had seen it from the target's point of view - which is key.

I am in danger of feeling that I am actually doing some good. Mmmm, sure it will pass.

It's good to have returned to the 21st Century safely and I am confident that I did nothing to change history.

I was worried for a little while. I bumped into this nerdy kid who took an inordinate interest in my electronic organiser. I hid it sharpish.

He said that he had a dream of making computing available to everyone but he didn't want to try to sell his system until it was perfect and would be able to seamlessly and securely handle the most difficult tasks.

He believed it would take him 15 years to develop the perfect product. His intention was to establish a charitable foundation to provide this unprecedented computing power freely to the world with all revenue generated being poured into ending world conflict and hunger. I left him to it.

I commented to my colleagues. "Shame he doesn't realise that it's all about being the first to market and market share is God. Once you've tied the suckers into your particular brand of shite they're stuck like flies in amber. Whether it works or not is totally irellevant. You can then proceed to jack-f*ck them forever more and you're not even obliged to give them the reach round."

Don't think he heard me though. Now what was his name? - Gits, Gats, Kates... whatever.

Now it's time for a holiday. Think i'll beam over to the new Sandals on Mars. I've heard it's really groovy.

Huh? What d'ya mean "What?"? Why are you looking at me like that?

waxing off this mortal coil

Mr Myagi is dead. No more waxing on and off with elaborate schemes mythologising the mundanity of household chores.

Did you know the one about the girl Karate Kid starred himself alongside a young Hilary Swank?

back once again with the renegade master!

Ok, back in the hood. Been off on a painfully net free corporate jaunt round Stockport, Wigan and Leeds. It's why I'm an actor you know - the glamour!

More on the trip later but what is it with Midlands hotels? Don't they realise that the net is a utility and not a f*cking luxury. Charging by the minute is like charging for by the litre for water from the tap. Tw*ts.

Been binging on junk net and came across this from Holy Moly. Suspect ructions.

Word from the wise: if you're gonna play away don't announce it on local radio.

The Axeman Cometh

The gig is done. The Spanish experience in Cambridge and London is complete.

In the end it was a nice unassuming fringe gig. It was ideal as these things go in that an unreasonable time commitment wasn't demanded and we ended up with a rather fine hour of entertainment.

I'll hold off on my rant on the exploitation rife in fringe.

And yes, I got the old Ovation out. It was strange indeed playing in front of people, nay, for people again. My musical contribution to the show was introductory and then ambient however we had a stormer of a warm up. Sounds trivial but I led the company through a few songs in warm up and it dawned on me that it was the first time i'd done anything like that in ten years. Look mum, I'm dancing!! No phobia. No nerves. Big fun.

One of the three directors prompted me to kick it off and then encouraged me to continue. Don't think she realised the effect she was having. Respect & thanks.

And for my next trick? I've got an impending stand-up gig in early december. Have been procrastinating somewhat and indeed part of me is kinda hoping it'll simply go away. But hey Sisyphus ain't one to run away from a challenge and will humbly accept this one - even if he has taken to referring to himself in the third person and capitalising his name no less!

Vin Diesel: Top Gun Actor

Some Vin Deisel facts I certainly never knew before...

so, what's the hamden?

Hamden Roar - Score. Cor blimey Mary Poppins, yer cockneys don't have a monopoly on this rhyming slang malarky.

Rehearsals on the Catalan thing are underway. It's a satisfying feeling leaving the house with my guitar in hand. Other than when shifting flats my lovely Ovation hasn't got out much over the past 12 years since my band went all Brian Jones on me. His name was Keith actually. A great friend, amazing player and I miss him.

Mixed bag of performers. Touch of the United Nations which is fine although I'm a little concerned that some of the accents are unintelligible - hypocrite! moi?

My main concern has been the lack of focus in rehearsals. A few of my colleagues seem perfectly happy to dilute the concentration by jabbering away when it isn't their 'turn' to speak or to use the rehearsal as a platform to entertain - I suspect that they don't get out much and confuse Playing with playing - bless.

My initial professional experience was strongly Brechtian. There was never any denial that we were actors on a stage but TOTAL focus on what was happening was demanded from EVERYONE involved at ALL times. Not tension - Focus.

I find rehearsals and stand-up gigs are very much like inflating a balloon - all it takes is one little prick...!

Suspect the problem is just me being an up tight prick. It's only a reading after all.

That's one of the main differences I've found between acting in Scotland and down south. Down here there's an obsession with becoming the character and with dogma and with embodying the truth of the piece, in short, with the self - hence the misplaced reverence for Stanislavki's Mythod. In Scotland the obsession is more with the audience and communicating the truth of the piece regardless of the verity of the actor's internal experience - and if in doubt go for the gag! He's behind you!! Neither approach is absolutely right or wrong of course. The Method is just a tool. A hammer is useful - but not for every job.

Anyway, rehearsals are almost done now and I am enjoying playing guitar in public again. Great confidence boost.

I turned S.W.A.T. actor on Sunday! I received a call from a director chum desperate for "a handsome, executive type" at very short notice and I "was perfect for the part" and was I "available in 1 hour?". If I'm perfect why didn't you call me in advance you c*nt? "Go on mate, there's a chinese buffet in it...". Done.

So, it was off down to Angel pausing only in a phone booth to don the external underwear.

Like a trooper I delivered my lines imaculately and emerged from the burning building baby in hand earning my director chum's eternal gratitude - "cheers mate. Rachel! Where's the f*ckin hoi sin...!?"

Coincidentally, I also renewed an aquaintance with a writer on one of our biggest long running TV shows on the shoot. She asked me to send her my CV and headshot! - well, she asked me after I asked her if I could send her my CV and headshot and if she could possibly see her way clear to perhaps dropping it on the casting director's desk, if you'd be so kind, please, thanks a lot. Very good of you. Ta. Would you like another coffee? Tea? Me?

Obviously, my number has come up at fate's deli counter and a huge luxury tub of complementary casting coleslaw is coming my way.

So, now I'm preparing for my forthcoming leading role in the aforementioned drama.

See you at the BAFTAs - losers!

Grating Expectations

Why are actors so f*cking miserable?

On paper it's an amazingly fulfilling profession. What could be more satisfying than exhibiting your insight, skill and artistry to a multitude of adoring, awe-struck admirers? What better way to spend you working days exploring the sub-strata of human existence and devising ever more innovative ways of revealing these psychological artefacts to a grateful audience? What could be more fulfilling than a life dedicted 100% to the pursuit of your art?

And there we have it. Expectations.

I would suggest that very few actors get into the profession because of a passion for teaching or because of an irresistable need to busk, or wait tables, or pull pints, or to drag unsuspecting marks out of the shower to discuss double-glazing.

That however is the reality. It is VERY rare for actors to make a full-time living from their profession. The reality is that Acting is not a profession at all. Acting is a vocation. The difference being that a profession is what you do to live while a vocation is what you live to do.

The problem is that we are sold the lie by the Ironmongers. We are told that if we only believe in ourselves enough they can make it happen for us. If we have faith then we will be given the break. Wealth, trophy partners, rehab and the cover of Heat are all within our grasp.

The delusion of 'success' is the delusion of celebrity. It is the delusion of the lottery punter. Note that all of these are external measures. They all assume that validation comes from the outside. They are reflections in a fairground mirror and they are all within the gift of the industry's inumerable GateKeepers and parasites.

Re-adjusting our perspectives to viewing acting as a vocation significantly corrects this celebrity astigmatism.

Yes, of course, excelling at the job can have the side-effect of celebrity with all the pros and cons that implies. Yes, of course, you can taylor your approach and choices to increase the likelihood of achieving celebrity but in that case you are using acting as a means and not an end.

Celebrity, fame and fortune are NOT inevitable consequences of success as an actor. Personal challenge, evolution and fulfillment are.

The job is an end in itself.

Consequently, the Actor will always have to find ways to support himself. Frustratingly, we have to spend a significant amount of time, energy and spirit on survival in order to pursue our vocation. Whether you are an established actor using whatever celebrity you've achieved to generate cash or whether you're a neophyte stuffing envelopes as piece-work the vocation always implies some external means of supporting the craft.

Accept that Acting is a vocation and not a profession. Yes, it can be financially and egotistically lucrative but these are side-effects, and even obstacles, thrown up by the job. They are coincidental not consequential.

Acting is an end in itself. An acting career does not automagically fill the void left by parental indifference. An acting career does not automagically splint your fractured ego. An acting career does not automagically guarantee you wealth and status. These are separate issues. Deal with them separately.

Does that depress you? Good. Depression is a signal that something is wrong. It is a wake up call.

Trash your delusions, clarify your choices and then make them. Take responsibility. You chose to become an actor and therefore you chose all of the consequences of being an actor. Your choice. Your responsibility.

You would probably have little sympathy for someone who became a monk because he thought he'd look good in Pope's vestements and spent the rest of his life craving the ways of the flesh. Why should you expect sympathy if you've chosen the vocation of an actor and yet expect the status, stability and material benefits of a Profession?

If you don't want to be here don't be here.

bring on the dancing girls

A week without posting. What was i thinking?

I would rate this week as average with a particularly bitter after taste of cash-flow hell.

I realised last saturday that a payment I had been promised hadn't materialised on schedule. This propogated a seismic shudder through the already shaky foundations of my finances prompting drastic remediation (why don't I speak proper?).

So, for the past week I have been obsessively dealing with finances. Consequently, all creative and aspirational shoots have been crushed under the iron boot of survival. Deep joy!

I've found myself becoming increasingly obsessed with money over the past few years.

My previous life held the implicit assumption of plenty. I was earning stupid amounts in The City but not valuing it or my life. Consequently I blew the lot somewhat spectacularly and in oh so cliched a manner. Note to self: "It's called shit for a reason...'

Now I am making a 'living' as an actor and hugely value the little I have while deeply regretting having so blithely blown so much in my previous life. To date 'acting' has cost me my pension, my savings, my house and I am in substantial debt. My pursuit of freedom and independence has so far reduced my options and tightened the ties that bind.

Why the hell am I doing this?

Ok, I could be giving it the Pheonix vibe. Now while I have successfully reduced myself and life to ashes I am sure there was a bit about rising from them.

Truth be told I think there is an element of asshole tax on demolishing my old life. I think I subconsciously felt that I needed to pay my dues and earn the right to succeed as an actor. What bullshit!

All that said: the dues are being paid; the direct debit is in place; so bring on the dancing girls...

have you ever just not thought something through?

Yesterday was interesting.

My partner had a modelling gig in Oxford which involved her meeting an artist in a hotel room so he could try out some body-painting techniques in preparation for his work on the forthcoming Erotica 2005 exhibition in london. (the picture is of another model from last years show)

In addition to her fee the deal included the option on the hotel room for the night.

So, I agreed to drive her up to Oxford with the intention of having a night out there. I worked nearby many years ago (see The Birth of SkyNet) and toured there recently with Sheffield Theatres and so have a certain fond familiarity for the place.

The journey was uneventful but on arrival I had the rather dubious pleasure of:

• delivering my girlfriend to a strange hotel room located in services just off the M40
• sussing out the artist and confirming the hourly rate
  
• shaking hands and leaving them in the hotel room together
• sitting in the neighbouring 'Harvester' writing while she stripped and he got busy
• meeting up with them afterwards
• receiving my cut - for petrol

While waiting there the reality of my situation kept washing over me. How could I even consider myself a man? Think of the indignity! Think of the shame! What if I was spotted - in a HARVESTER!

It's a funny old game indeed. Of course, I have since invested in a mink overcoat, flared trousers, much bling and you can now consider my ride to be seriously pimped.

hot licks & lighter fuel

My Catalonian project's getting more interesting.

There's been a re-casting and I was given the option of taking on the role of a musician. Wasn't sure at first. I haven't played guitar in public for a long time. I quickly realised that the only objections I was coming up with were down to self-doubt bollocks and gladly accepted.

I used to gig in various bands in the early 90s until it went all rock'n'roll. Amongst other things I had a particularly damascene moment while blasting through Teenage Kicks and realising I was past 30 - twat.

So, it looks like I'll be breaking out the old axe in Cambridge - hot licks & lighter fuel indeed. Now where can I find an amp that goes up to 11? My previous one caught fire - no joke!!

ride me big boy, ride me

In keeping with my high-brow editorial policy here in Sisypharama check out my preferred Finnish transportation provider.

Reid Wins, Frist Loses, and the American People Get Closer To Their Promised Answers

Reid Wins, Frist Loses, and the American People Get Closer To Their Promised Answers

The excellent Hunter at The Daily Kos on the train wreck politics unfolding in Washington.

True to form the hypocrites and criminals invoke justice and the law when the tide turns against their worthless hides. May fate bring them and their families all that they have earned.

"they don't like it up 'em Captain Mainwaring..."

pee pee. who? me?

Can you go pee-pee under the microscope? Check out the exhibitionist urinals at Urban Legends: Measure for Measure

Perhaps they could also integrate some shoot-em-up video games to supercede chasing the cigarette butt around the bowl.

It's crying out for some fire-fighting games if you ask me. Not so sure about the multi-player options though and do be careful if someone offers to join you in some water sports.

Gorgeous George goes to Washington

Listen & marvel as George Galloway dismembers the senate committee on 17th May: Galloway takes on US Oil accusers

And here's the 17th Sep debate between George and Christopher Hitchens: IRAQ: The Galloway - Hitchens Debate

More to come as George defends himself against his accusers in the Iraq: Oil for food scandal

He was in No Other Place

Cross and Christians, end to end, I examined. He was not on the Cross. I went to the Hindu temple, to the ancient pagoda. In none of them was their any sign. To the uplands of Herat I went, and to Kandahar, I looked. He was not on the heights or in the lowlands. Resolutely, I went to the summit of the fabulous mountain of Kaf. There only was the dwelling of the legendary Anqa bird. I went to the Kaaba of Mecca. He was not there. I asked about him from Avicenna the philosopher. He was beyond the range of Avicenna...I looked into my own heart. In that, his place, I saw him. He was in no other place.

Jalaludin Rumi

The birth of SkyNet

Supercomputer doubles own record: I tuned into this post interested in the technological advance then I realised the use to which it will be put - "maintaining our nation's ageing nuclear stockpile without testing". Necessary? Yes. Frightening? Yes. I'm not even sure I know what that sentence means. On the positive side it seems to indicate that they can eliminate the need for actual nuclear testing but surely this will simply ease the development of newer nuclear weapons thereby increasing their proliferation; the likelyhood of their use and the temptation to do so.

Em, perhaps the solution is to simply stop guys?! That's it - STOP!. Stop developing f*cking bombs and use the same research to focus on generating cheap, reliable energy.

It also seems to indicate that the governments concerned are in a race against the degredation and increasing instability of their own nuclear stockpiles. Nice.

17 years ago I worked on the Joint European Taurus (J.E.T.) Project in partnership with the Centre for European Research Nationale (CERN) - the worlds largest particle physics laboratory. Those were optimistic days where we were working towards the development of fission reactors (like our own sun) as opposed to fusion reactors (splitting atoms -> controlled atomic explosions). I say 'we' which gives me a very nice, participative feeling but in reality I was simply crunching meaningless (to me) numbers.

The problem wasn't creating the fission reaction (hydrogen bomb) the problem was containing the resultant plasmic soup. You can't keep that stuff in a bucket. The solution was an energetic taurus (magnetic dougnut) but unfortunately accessing the energy broke the integrity of the taurus - messy. As far as i know the project has been wound up. Shame.

Co-incidentally, a certain individual called Tim Berners Lee was also working at CERN at the time. I'm sure he'll go on to make an impact once he's got his act together ;-)

The concerning thing about the supercomputer piece is the continuing focus on destruction rather than construction in addition to the reliance on software and hardware to model hugely complicated real world scenarios. As they say in N.L.P. "The map is not the territory". Certainly wouldn't want that bugger to blue screen on me - hope they've installed service pack 2.0...

This also taps my paranoic, cinematic conspiracy bone as we are effectively handing control of our nuclear arsenals to immensely powerful computers. Ahh, theme tune kicking in, schizoid isolation and suspicion ramping up, modestly crouched naked figure (Cert12) materialising from a sparking singularity in the waste ground across the way - game on - marvellous.

Seeing as I'm on a scientific paranoid kick:

Red Planet comes close to earth

Mars is swinging by to pay us a visit coupled with increased dust storm activity.

"No-one would have believed in the last years of the 19th century that human affairs were being watch from the timeless worlds of space. No-one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinised as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few men even considered the possibility of life on other planets. And yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours, regarded this earth with envious eyes and slowly and surely they drew their plans against us." The War of the Worlds, H.G.Wells

Sleep tight...

Bush: and what rough beast [...] slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

There is a tremendous outpouring of glee in the liberal press as the house that Bush built starts to crumble.

While I also feel the relief that the hugely reported truths of Bush's incompetence, corruption and duplicity are seeping into the mainstream I remain somewhat paranioac of the consequences.

My concern is what would replace the incumbents if it all did come tumbling down.

The P.N.A.C. tumour has metasticised and is aggresively eating the lungs out of America. What remains is a fragile husk. The patient is choking. What to do? Do nothing and the patient suffers a slow lingering death. Reach down the patient's throat to clear the blockage and you're as likely to end up with a handful of lung-pulp as you are to revive the patient.

The events of the past few years have served to fundamentally destroy whatever trust in democratic government remained after the rape and pillage of the Thatcher/Reagan years.

The Bush/Blair circle wank over Iraq has made abject cynicism the norm and primed us for the more draconian alternatives. We are now habitually living in a state of fear. The, I believe, state facilitated terrorist atrocities in the west's major cities have served to loosen our grip on our personal freedoms.

Why on earth would the state facilitate these horrors? There is a parallel with organised crime. If you want to get to the true source of the crime follow the money. With politics: if you want to get to the true instigators of an event/policy follow the power - who benefits?

Bush benefitted hugely from 9/11.

Bush Co. has benefitted to the tune of billions through the criminally false justification for the Iraq mayhem. In addition he now has The War Against Terror (T.W.A.T). The Orwellian excuse of being at war excuses incompetent financial management and the further tapping into the veins of the ailing patient America. It justifies the illegal imprisonment of innocents and makes the results of interrogation by torture admissible in court. It provides a smokescreen for the disembowelling of a nation for private profit. All this of course in addition to distracting from the fact that his first election victory was actually a coup d'etat by stealth.

Bush Co benefitted from Katrina through the no-bid rebuilding contracts going to crony firms - primarily Halliburton subsiduaries. They may not have launched Katrina but they delayed the aid effort and, now that the city has been ethnically cleansed of its lower strata, it will make for extremely profitable real estate upon re-construction. Now who do you think will end up profitting from that bonanza?

Note that I said that Bush Co benefitted - not necessarily Bush himself. He is simply the figurehead.

The powers that installed Bush are moving on and Bush is going down. At the very least he will have had to make extreme concessions to keep his arse farting into the Oval seat of power.

My fear is his exit strategy should he be cornered.

In my experience it's the little men you have to watch out for. Those with heart, integrity and a clear agenda may be your enemies but there can remain a mutual bond of honour arching across the divide. The little men on the other hand have neither heart nor integrity and their agendas and loyalities will turn on a dime if it serves them well.

I don't think anyone could describe the numbskull Bush as anything other than a little man.

My worry would be that he and his cabal may attempt to instigate an extreme diversion to prolong his tenure and finish their 'work of ages'. How does Bird Flu finally mutating into a human to human communicable virus sound? It's easily done. How does a nuclear strike on Israel blamed on Iran and thereby justifying the invasion of that country sound? It doesn't have to be a big strike and they could use Israel's own (illegal) stockpile of nuclear weapons.

Either of these events could serve as a justification to instigate martial law. Then all bets are off; all investigations are suspended and Bush Co finally have the carte blanche dictatorship that the have been working towards.

My fear is that this will happen anyway regardless of Bush's survival or not. The agenda will continue remorselessly on while we are distracted by the (justifiable) blood lust of his destruction.

If Bush goes he will be replaced by more of the same, wearing different colours but controlled by the same scum, following the same fascist, world govenment agenda and the general populace will more than likely hail his replacement as a saviour.

"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?" W.B.Yeats. The Second Coming

spreading my calvinist seed

Today's been a long one.

Got up at 06:30 to get myself together for an out of town corporate. Job was for a huge building concern looking to recruit some branch managers. I play a poor manager that they have to deal with. Nice gig and I really enjoy working for that particular client as it is totally outwith my previous work experience. In my previous incarnation as a computing wage-slave my first job was with Sun Microsystems for five years and then five years working for investment banks in the city. It was a totally different environment to working with an organisation focused on providing and maintaining social housing. All great character experience.

I did my job well but unfortunately the candidates were poor. Well, I say unfortunately, the longer it takes the more work it is for me. Still, we're there to find the best people and it will take as long as it takes.

That job was done and dusted by midday then it was back into london to film my segment in the sitcom. I was driven to constantly working on the script. For some reason it wasn't sticking. I was also unsure of my character and my delivery. Not a particularly great place to be.

Got on set an hour before call time and sussed out the environment. Good team of folk. There was at least fifteen of them of varying experiences - mostly early to mid twenties. They were all very relaxed and professional and although they were significantly behind schedule no-one was panicking and they were concentrating on getting the job done properly.

I spent the next two hours line bashing in the kitchen and that was ideal for me to cement the lines.

I finally got the call to set and basically went in there and delivered. There were no real problems with lines and my character was as rehearsed. So, in terms of them getting what they needed I hit the marks no problem.

I did however learn a few things (or at least was reminded of a number of things):

- know you're lines!!!!! forwards; backwards; sideways; ALL ways. I think I may have done too much theatre. I think I subconsciously demean film to some degree. WRONG!

In a theatre run, learning lines is like planting a field of seeds. It is very hard work but you are rewarded throughout the run of the play as those seeds root, sprout, grow, mature and take on their own life. So while your lines may be a little insecure you can be confident that you can nurture them as time progresses.

With film however the environment does not facilitate this process.. The lines need to be delivered full grown. You will be delivering some lines just once! At most you will be delivering the same lines a few times for different takes but as soon as they're delivered you're on to the next set. The lines; character and delivery need to be delivered fully matured. You need to be able to have gone through the full learning curve on your own and to walk on set with the confidence you would have achieved after a six month play run.

The lead female on the shoot is very good and totally secure in her lines. It was no surprise to discover that she trained at R.S.A.M.D. An excellent school with a strong emphasis on the practicalities and craft of acting. I really regret not going their early on in my life. Well, at least I regret missing out on that training and not necessarily on the life experience that Came with the path I took.

- know your tics!!! : I have a very unclear 'filmic' sense of myself. While I believe that i am doing a good job and the feedback agrees with this I cannot know what this means. I also have a very limited physical vocabulary and that which I do have is attuned to theatre.

I feel that the character I delivered today was basically me with funny lines. Nothing wrong with that - hey, I'm a witty guy don't you know!? - but it wasn't by choice but by default. If I had another shoot tomorrow it would be the same. While working on the script in the kitchen I was managing to break out vocally taking on appropriate accents and intonations but when I got on set I immediately snapped back into my saftey zone. Same old rythms; same old accent. I do believe that part of me still suffers from that bloody scottish calvanist dis-approval of showing off - damn fool!

It's good that I've spotted it. Perhaps a good way to solve this limitation would be to develop an extreme character based stand-up set to blast me out of my comfort zone. Develop an extreme set of characters. Develop in-depth life histories and derive the comedy from their own inner truth.

Hey! That sounds like a plan...

By the end of the shoot I was relaxed and enjoying the experience and then with a flash it was all over. My scenes were shot and they needed to get on with rest. I realised that I had actually had a great time and was really happy to be back on a film set. Felt a little emotional; tried to avoid the long goodbye and left.

My job was done.

Michael Keaton to play The Joker

Michael Keaton to play The Joker

Rather delicious rumour from the guys at The Movie Blog

sitcom 'a'now'now

We had rehearsals for the sitcom pilot today.

My part is one of those small but perfectly formed beasties. I've got two scenes. It turned out that I'd been a little lazy working on it and the lines were not as secure as they should have been to allow us to work the scenes. Given that it went very well. We managed to develop my character and integrate it nicely into the piece so I'm now clear on what's required.

It's all very well kind-of knowing the script but comedy is about precision. Making youself laugh is a good start but you need to distill the minutiae that actually made it funny into a communicatable form - you may not necessarily be able to write it down or even describe it but when you find it you know.

Coincidentally working with a good acting chum. We met on a three-handed corporate tour of Asia. Ten days travelling to Singapore, Malaysia, Tai Pei and Hong Kong. He's a lovely guy and a very good actor. I can really see him taking off if he could just get the break. Same for us all I suppose. He put me up for a nice little promotional film a couple of weeks back. Sweet gig. A nice bit of pocket money for half an hours work.

Tomorrow should be another good acting day. I'll be working on a corporate out of town in the morning and then I'll be returning to shoot my sitcom scenes in the afternoon. Very nice. I should also have time on the corporate to really cement what I want to achieve on the shoot.

Getting exited now.

Also, I've been offered a stand-up gig in early november and I accepted. It's been almost a year since my last stand-up gig and it's about time I got back in the saddle. I need to totally re-write the set but I reckon that I'll use this as impetus to take it more seriously and start to develop my comedy writing and performance.

a catalonian glimmer

On Sunday I met up with the producer of my forthcoming outing as a journalist.

Lovely girl. Organised and driven. She seems very focused on what she's doing and I got a very nice vibe about the whole project. It was inspiring to see someone just getting out there and organising their own thing. No permission given and none asked. Just do it.

Another actor was also there and we got on very well. She is a very well spoken older lady with a devlish sense of humour - reckon it'll be a hoot working with her.

The project is in partnership with Catalonian arts organisations - specifically based in Barcelona. I love Barcelona and it would be amazing to tour there. Perhaps i should start to get to grips with Spanish?!

Okay, that's probably running too early but the project does seem to be very professionally organised and a good networker so it'll be worth investing time and effort.

Looking forward to it.

pssst! wanna buy a shovel? death by ironmongery

The act of acting is the easiest aspect of the profession.

Writers write and Actors act. If you are not: preparing for a performance; giving a performance; recovering from a performance you are not an actor. Only you can define what the preparation, gift and recovery involve but your conscience knows when it is not related to acting.

The very fact that acting is so poorly rewarded, un-structured and vocational leads to our draconian self-punishment.

Normal occupations demand a specific amount of work from us in return for specific compensation. We know when we have done enough. We know when we are hitting the target. We know when what we are delivering is sufficient.

The vocation of acting demands nothing, but requires everything. If we gave up tomorrow it would neither know nor care. There are no generic targets. With no targets there are no hits. With no hits there is no 'sufficient'. With no 'sufficient' we can never do enough. We are always one pick-axe strike from striking it rich. We are always on the lookout for any tool, any crutch, any magic bullet which will give us the edge.

This makes us vulnerable to the ironmongers.

To explain: During the Gold Rush the people who became millionaires were not the wide-eyed prospectors but those who sold them the shovels. That's right, the true millionaires were the ironmongers and, as the prospector's journey was often a one way ticket, the quality of tools and equipment was frequently both criminally and fatally poor.

The world of acting is bursting with parasitical ironmongers predating on our hopes and dreams.

Hundreds of drama schools claim to be able to turn you into a star while intoning the litany of the myth-od and spurting thousands of ill-prepared aspirants up the industry's grungy fallopian tubes. Inumerable agents will sign you up, take whatever disguised fee they demand ("for photographs, web-site admin and our time you understand my pretty") and then, having done nothing to promote you, bleed you of the 20% that is their 'right' on work you secure yourself. Thousands of coaches, stylists, photographers, webmasters, casting services, WHATEVER are circling the shoals of aspirants happily nibbling lumps off us at their leisure.

All of the above ironmongers have one thing in common.

Their success and continued existence is not dependent on your success.

In our vulnerability; naivety; willing ignorance; stupidity we desperately want to believe that they have our best interests at heart. Wake up! They are not you family. They are not your friends. Their primary loyalty is to themselves and their pocket-books.

In fact, the longer you believe that you need support, representation, moulding, permission-to-exist the better it is for them. To take it even further - their interests are best served by keeping us just this side of failure. Okay, they do provide us with a life jacket but they control its inflation and somehow we just keep bobbing under reminding us of who has the power.

Now the shovel was a vital piece of kit. The solution to the problem of charlatan ironmongers was not to do without it entirely. The solution was to ensure that you had the right shovel of sufficient quality from a reputable source and the knowledge of how and where to wield it.

Tools are essential but peripheral. It all comes from you.

parasitical networking

I received a call this afternoon offering me the part of a journalist in a new play. Nice one. I'd been recommended by a former colleague.

My initial exitement was somewhat quelled when it emerged that it was an unpaid reading and that we'd only be doing a segment of the piece.

The group seem professional and reasonably well connected. The directors involved appear to be a few rungs further up the food chain so I may be able to benefit from parasitical (symbiotic?) networking. The gig will take place in Cambridge. I toured there earlier this year and really liked the place and so I'm very happy to return.

Will call them tomorrow and let them know I'll do it. Only fear is that it turns out to conflict with money work but hell, who becomes an actor to get rich...

accented silence

I went for that audition this afternoon and was feeling pretty bullish. I'd worked on the RP accent (my natural accent is glasgow) . No real problem. I had initially knocked this project back when A.Gent sent me the script. Smallish part and just another small film that no-one will ever see.

However, A.Gent got back to me saying that it would: be a good networker; that the casting agent was good to know and that the lead guy is a happening french actor whom it would be good to associate with. Okay, okay, i'll do it aleady! I am always happy to take advice. He must see some long-term benefit in it as it's unpaid.

The venue was changed at last minute to the casting director's home. Fair enough. However, it was a pretty remote location. It was well within the metropolis but in london remote does not necessarily mean distant - just inaccessible. Thankfully got there in time.

I rang the bell and was buzzed in. I was greeted by a slightly boss eyed individual who turned out to be TheMan. He was nice enough. However it was slightly disconcerting when talking to him as he appeared to be staring at someone over my shoulder triggering the urge to look around at who was there. Perhaps he sees dead people. The writer was also in attendance and was friendly enough.

The script requires my character to utter two words. For the audition they had composed an expanded script but still barely 5 lines. I proceeded to visualise and enact the scenario at which point TheMan's doorbell proceeded to ring (3 times) and TheMan's mobile (1 time) and TheMan's home telephone (1 time) - all of which he had to deal with as he did not have anyone acting as a receptionist. Consequently there were numerous false starts. I blanked the chaos and think I did well although I'm not so convinced that my audience remained similarly focused. I ran through it in both my natural accent and RP.

"We should know by monday. Thanks for coming." I left.

There was no attempt to sell the project to me. There was no expansion on the anticipated commitment or logistics. Now either I have totally fucked it or they are simply assuming that I will do it if they deign to cast me. Have to confess to being a little confused as A.Gent had led me to believe that I was their first choice prior to their actually meeting me.

So, who knows. Not particularly bothered either way but just feel somewhat under-informed.

Classic "Catchphrase" blooper

i do like a bit of intellectual humour.

"Catchphrase" Blooper

Video of Bush

Video of George W Bush on the morning of 9/11 - sorry to disappoint the pornsters.

">>> This footage, obtained and presented exclusively by Russ Kick at The Memory Hole, shows President Bush sitting in a Florida classroom for 5 minutes after he was told that the second Twin Tower has been hit and that America was being attacked. "

We've all heard about it and may even recall having seen it at the time but to actually experience the 5mins of impotence as Bush sits there reading his childrens book is horrifying. To think this brainless, corrupt incompetent is the most powerful man on earth is terrifying.

America - you must be ashamed.

Just when you thought it was safe - English accent required

Typical. I'd spent the entire morning getting a grip with some paper work and was planning a veg afternoon and my agent calls with an audition.

- well connected director : ain't they all
- playing a dad : seems to be the way it's going - that and policemen
- no money : do i look surprised?
- seeing other's but you're the favourite : if you don't get it you've really f*cked it
- english accent required : aaaaaggghh!

Now i know that my job is characters and that accents are part of that but i do find accents a real chore. Even as i'm writing this I know I'm sounding like a real pussy.

Okay, just get on with it. Now where's that script?

b.t.w. here's a link to an on-line accent resource TheSpeechAccentArchive

Shelley Winters has heart attack

Shelley Winter's Heart Attack

Ex-roommate of Marilyn Monroe

Godmother of Laura Dern.

I first became aware of Ms Winters in the 'The Poseidon Adventure' (1972). Even in her middle age she exuded that old screen presence. She was 52 and you still would - well I would've.

Her first film was 'What a woman' in 1943 and in her entire career she appeared in 130 films. Starting as the inevitable beautiful ingenue she then went on to re-write the script in her later career as she established her unique personality as self-deprecating humorist & raconteur.

I personally can't think of ANY other member of Hollywood royalty who would have taken on the character of Belle Rosen who comically gets stuck in a pipe while trying to swim to freedom within the stricken Poseidon - Respect.

Joan Rivers nukes Darcus Howe after he accuses her of racism

A light-hearted media and social review/discussion program takes a very dark turn when the 'social commentator' Darcus Howe blithely accuses Joan Rivers of racism during BBC 's Midweek programme.

He quickly realises he has stood on a nuclear land-mine as the mighty Joan atomises him; his arguement and his self-delusionary myth.

We like Joan. We like Darcus but here he simply comes over as a self-pitying victim(iser).

NOTE: This programme was broadcast on the 19th Oct 2005 and they provide a rolling archive so as time passes you will have to navigate to the appropriate show - then simply click on 'Listen Again' (listen from about 12min into the programme)

Pierce Brosnan says producers regret their decision already

Pierce, Pierce. Take a deep breath, put your head between your legs and let...it...go... Bless.

Pierce Brosnan say producers regret their decision already

should actors get royalties? - discuss

my immediate reaction to this article (Should Actors Get Royalties?) was horror that the subject is even open to debate. reckon it requires more thought though - particularly in today's uber-media world.

What can't you be arrested for under the terrorism act?

...and so it continues, with the Govt continuing to f*ck for virginity as they 'fight' terrorism - defending freedom by destroying it.

To (roughly) quote Chomsky: "a key way to avoid suffering from terrorism is to stop participating in it."

The question
What can't you be arrested for under the terrorism act?
Lucy Mangan
Tuesday October 18 2005
The Guardian

If an octogenarian can be threatened with arrest for shouting "Nonsense" during a party conference speech or if, as we heard yesterday, a woman can be arrested and detained for walking along a cycle path in Dundee, the implication might seem to be; not much.

To avoid the risk of incarceration, you could try only walking or talking in areas where the act does not apply. Unfortunately, you won't necessarily know where these are. A "designated area" where it is deemed "expedient for the prevention of acts of terrorism" for the police to be able to stop and search people at will is defined by chief constables and authorised by the home secretary without any further judicial or parliamentary input or notification of the public. So you will rarely be alerted to the fact that you are entering an area which has set aside the customary law of the land, including the presumption of innocence.

Then - and this is the really fun part - if you are searched and discovered to be carrying anything the officer thinks could be used in connection with terrorism, you can be arrested. There's a lot of leeway in "could be used in connection with".

"A journalist's notebook with a cabinet minister's name and phone number in it, perhaps," suggests Shami Chakrabarti, director of Liberty. "A bag of sugar could be used as an explosive with other materials. A mobile phone is a potential detonator."

You could try not carrying anything when you go out, but no keys, money or phone may lessen your fun and, anyway, is probably suspicious in itself.

The Home Office offers no comfort. "It's an operational matter for the police force," says a spokeswoman. "It's up to them to act in the context of a situation so it's not for us to rule out X, Y or Z. Taking a dog for a walk in a dockyard - it's up to the police to decide if they pose a risk or not. There are no circumstances where we could say it can't be used."

So there you have it. Your continued existence without falling foul of anti- terrorist legislation depends solely on the limits of an increasingly jittery police force's imagination. Let's be careful out there.

Copyright Guardian Newspapers Limited

high art & speed cameras

turned up early for my BBC job this morning - 4hrs early to be exact. there'd been a bit of a misunderstanding on my part. no disaster though. i wandered around central london boxing off a few chores. bit of banking and bought some manly fingerless gym gloves - more secure in my masculinity now. big weights. grrrr...

composing this sitting in the National Portrait Gallery in front of ' Ulysses deriding Polyphemus' by Turner - not too shabby. Downside of the location is that it is morning and the place is rife with kids. Specifically uniformed kids being herded around by tour guides. The Turner appears to be a prime target. Stayed and listened and actually learned quite a lot. There's certainly a load going on in amongst it's richly coloured fogginess.

Click here to see the the Odyssey inllustrated in the National Galleries paintings.

Bloody noisy place at this time of day. Not a fan of kids but kinda get the need to educate them - if only to get them to shut the f*ck up. I also have and older, overweight bunter child stuffing his fat face to my left and an arrogance of german tourists holding a reunion to my right - ain't life peachy?

The following also caught my eye:


'Salsbury Cathedral form the Meadows' by Constable


'The Haywain' by Constable.

Now, they both exemplify a long-lost English idyll. They are both scenic. And yes, they are both masterful examples of the painters art.

But what jumps out at me is they are both obvious examples of early joy-riding.

In both cases the driver of the cart has clearly lost control and ended up in the river. In both cases they should have been breathalised and i wouldn't be at all surprised if those carts were stolen - you can clealry see that the licence plates have been obscured by straw.

It is of course common knowledged that 'Constable' was a tag adopted by the artist in his youth as he supplemented his meager artist's income by working for the Salsbury police force as a police artist, Traffic camera division.

flu shmooh!

the euphoria of last wednesday swiftly converted into an enervated delirium as flu took hold.

by friday night i was flat-bound and very much on the brink of illness. brinkley feverish, brinkley bed-ridden; brinkley wiped-out but ultimately fine. more a rather intense and spontaneous detox than an illness as such.

emerging from it now and feeling brinkley well.

what's all this worry about bird flu? felt cocky (sorry...) who cares if it hits everyone in the world. can't people handle a bad cold?

then i read descriptions of the symptoms of H5N1: 'the birds affected didn't so much die as melt, blood leaking from every orifice including their eyes...'

suspect i haven't been suffering from flu after all.

"hypochondria doctor!?! don't tell me i've got that as well..."

Pullman attacks Narnia film plans

The Movie Blog: His Dark Materials attacks Chronicles of Narnia

BBC: Pullman attacks Narnia film plans

Sisyphean Book Review - What's My Motivation

What's My Motivation by Michael Simkins

A wonderfully comical book by Mr Simkins chronicling his life as a jobbing actor. Inspiring, cathartic and, if you're an actor, not a little frightening. Goes a long way to shaking us out of our self-indulgent existential isolation. We ain't saving lives here guys and we're here by choice! Enjoy.

Written with superb comic timing and brutal honesty this book really is laugh out loud funny. Simkins seems to have been through most every dignity stripper in the business from 'fowl' skin work as a chicken; thru understudying; to his disembodied head ending up on the cutting room floor.

A joy to read and a reality check in the delusional vortex that is the business of acting.

Sisyphean Book Review - True & False

True & False by David Mamet

An excellent and inspiring book by the great David Mamet. In it he expounds on the doctrine of the true artist. In the process he debunks the fakery of 'method' and takes the art, and particularly the craft, of acting back to its basics.

"...If you decide to become an actor, stick to your decision. The folks you meet in supposed positions of authority--critics, teachers, casting directors--will, in the main, be your intellectual and moral inferiors. They will lack your imagination, which is why they became bureaucrats rather than artists; and they will lack your fortitude, having elected institutional support over a life of self-reliance. They spend their lives learning lessons very different from the ones you learn, and many or most of them will envy you and this envy will express itself as contempt. It's a cheap trick of unhappy people, and if you understand it for what it is, you need not adopt or be overly saddened by their view of you. It is the view of the folks on the verandah talking about the lazy slaves."

Buy it, Borrow it, Steal it. READ IT!

An Annotated History of Character Codes: from Morse to ASCII

URL: An Annotated History of Character Codes, from Mors ...

did I mention that I have a BSc in Computing Science with Honours? ideal preparation for an acting career methinks.

also see Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson. wide ranging re-interpretatio of the history and strategic importance of crypto-analysis.

geektastic!!

w32.alcra.b XP fix

i got hit with this worm. tricky little f*cker.

to get rid follow the instructions at symantec's security response site here

one addition. the worm disabled regedit on my XP box. Start->Run->"regedit" simply pulls up a dead MS-DOS box. this is fixed by creating a renamed copy of regedit. alternatively use the utility provided by Ramesh Srinivisan at ToolsQuit

alternatively simply type the explicit executable name i.e. "regedit.exe" in Start->Run.

b VERY careful editing the registry - BACK IT UP FIRST!!! obviously, i cannot take any responsibility for your tinkering in your own registry.

hope this helps.

keep on walken

tales of the mighty christopher walken here

weapon of choice : the video

acting anecdotes

anecdotage.com : site listing many & varied acting anecdotes

stutterer? : James Earl Jones, the famous stutterer

olivier/hoffman : the classic anecdote

Reality TV 'dents' acting roles

The growing market for reality TV is being blamed for a drop in the number of roles available to actors in the US...full story from BBC

full story from S.A.G.

october head space

a couple of weeks back i was ready to jack this acting malarky in. simultaneously, and consequentially, i was quitting alcohol and generally detoxing my life.

ever since making the decision to get a grip and then following it through i've been on the upward gradient.

physically i've got loads of energy. i'm sleeping better & waking earlier. i'm working out hard and regular and my outlook is positive - not naively trusting, but optimistic.

here's the tools i used to sort myself out:

Allen Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol
Joanna Hall's Carb Curfew Diet
I've gone fully vegetarian
I run approx 25k/week
I circuit train @ gym approx 4 time per week

Feeling energised. Don't miss beer at all.

Key thing artistically is that i find that i am regaining my hunger for the business. It become pretty much apparent that my ambition, belief and confidence is intimately tied to my self-esteem and self-image.

I believe that I am looking better than I have in a long time and have found that this confidence seeps into all aspects of my life. It sounds trivial and perhaps that's why i've denied admitting my shallowness but the fact remains that when I feel unattractive I become a recluse, i back away I avoid people.

I still want to lose weight but i feel that i am still coming across well and i'm keen to get myself out there.

defintiely feel that i've patched the leaky boat and moving onwards & upwards.

a good actor's day

now is this about the day of a good actor or a good day had by an actor. you decide...

at the start of the week i had a good few corporate gigs lined up, a confirmed but uncheduled promo shoot a non-payed feature role to shoot and, to cap itall, i got offered a character role in that sitcom i auditioned for a week or so ago. it looked highly unlikely that they would all merge successfully. however, in keeping with my new positivism i woke early on monday morning and got on with sorting it out. communicated my availability to all concerned and it did indeed fall into place.

corporates going nicely over the week.

yesterday i had a morning at the bbc; a couple of hours break and then that promo shoot i mentioned. varied and fun and i strongly suspect that the promo shoot will lead to additional and greater work. just a vibe. got on really well with the team and felt i gelled with their approach.

will be working on the sitcom character over the next week or so. whether the project succeeds or not it'll be a great experience and i strongly suspect i'll make some great contacts. deep joy.

so, making money; acting and developing character(s). what more could an actor want?

perspectives on the vacationer in chief

there's only one sean connery. who the hell are you?

Ever wish you were someone else?

My first adult career involved working within large american corporations. Within these organisations the individual was (and is) expected to subsume their individuality within the heterogenous corporate culture. That culture may well be fun; it may pay lipservice to the cult of the individual and even co-incide with the individual's ambitions but when it came to any conflict the culture takes precedence.

Remember the scene in Monty Python's 'Life of Brian'. "We are all individuals" shouts Brian homogenously. "I'm not!" responds the only individual in the crowd. Genius.

Within a corporation or any day-to-day job the individual is expected to fulfill a role within the company in exchange for financial reward and hence a degree of security (or not). The focus is on the skills required to fulfill the role and less on the person providing these skills. The skills are almost separate from the individual concerned. There tends to be a large pool of people who could fill any role and consequently there tends to be a certain existential anonymity for the individual in that environment. There is both protection and frustration in this anonymity with the protection usually dominating.

At the opposite extreme is the individual building a career as as actor.

There are many skills required to be able to function as a professional actor but what we are selling can seem to be our very selves. We may market ourselves as the next whomever to provide a mental hook for the public but fundamentally we cannot aspire to be clones.

For example if I was the double of Sean Connery (in his youth thank-you...) then that would probably prevent me from establishing myself as a credible actor. I could aquire some degree of celebrity but it would be capped by the fact that 'we've already got a Sean Connery thank you very much'.

If however I were to put myself forward as the next Sean Connery then we are off and running. Assuming that I can actually deliver that degree of insouciant sexuality and sheer magnetism then those who are interested in casting me have a category within which to place me. Now their primary interest is in what makes me stand out as an individual; what makes me unique.

Both pain & pleasure derive from the fact that perceived success is highly dependent on exploiting your uniqueness.

The pain of rejection is so acute because The Man is rejecting you. Not your skills, as in the normal world . But you. How you look. How you sound. What you represent.

Similarly, the pleasure of acceptance is so intense for exactly the same reason. Only you could fill that role. Only you could express the character. Only you could portray what they are looking for.

Both this pain & this pleasure are false. In the worst situations both you and The Man are colluding to give him powers over your worth as a human being.

Ridiculously we just as often go solo and simply donate our self esteem to the The Man who doesn't want it and is, most often, a personable and capable professional fulfilling a brief . They may be aware of the devastation you are wreaking on your own psyche; they will usually take steps to minimise the stress of a situation (unless effective stress management is part of the brief) but they cannot accept any responsibility for your (di)stress.

Your reactions are your responsibility.

The word 'professional' is key. Let's say that The Man is a Casting Director. The casting director has been engaged by the client to fulfil a specific requirement. If they fail to satisfy that requirement then they fail as a professional (how they then handles that is down to his own self-esteem mgmt). Consequently they have to stand back, remain objective and match your attributes against those detailed in the brief. Viewed negatively this experience can feel as though you are being reduced to a piece of meat at auction.

The solution also lies in professionalism - yours. Without denying Art, you are selling a product. That product is the You that you choose to present. The product is your skills. The product is your appearance. The product are your resources. Note that these are attributes that you aquire, possess or can access. They may seem indistinguishable from your view of yourself but they are not the core you. The you that aquires skills can also lose them without ceasing to be you. The you that looked as you did as a child is still the you as you look now. The you without access to certain finance or contacts remains you. Lonely maybe. Poor maybe. But still you.

The product is separate from yourself and you must develop the maturity to view your product objectively.

You must be able to stand back, matching or (de)emphasising your own attributes against what you know of the brief. You have to understand that there are a huge number of factors involved in the casting process over which you, and even The Man, have no control.

You are both fulfilling you professional roles so you might as well do so in a relaxed, self-respecting atmosphere with love & humor.

That way you both contribute positively to the casting decision. When NO: You are not being rejected - your attributes simply didn't match the brief. When YES: You are not being accepted - your attributes and qualities are. As a professional it is now your job to do whatever is required to ensure that you deliver.

- sisyphus 2005